Occupy Valentine's Day

Despite my harsh feminist exterior, I am a huge fan of heteronormative
dating practices. First, I am girlishly horrified by my lover’s
brutish, manly desires. Then, his seduction begins to take hold, as I
notice that his large arm muscles and strong jawline denote that he
would be a powerful hunter, easily able to bring back meat to the
caves for our young. That part is just science! BUT, due to the
refined and complex needs of my lady-brain, I can only give in if we
have an eternal commitment. And men hate those! However, once I’ve
sufficiently trapped and tamed him, by appealing to his ego — because
we ladies are the ones who are really in control of all this; AM I
RIGHT WE LADIES — my love and I can be as one in the eternal and
ever-fulfilling bonds of monogamy.

Unfortunately, we’ve been going out for two years. And we have to do
this every time we want to screw.